By: John D. Pepe

 

            There’s a lot of buzz on the internet about this new Star Wars creature, the Porg.  This cuddly, lovable, big eyed puppet was “left on the work bench” and shown for a second on the behind the scenes reel at D23.

 

            These Porgs live on Ahch-To, the place where Luke and Rey are held up.  These cute little animals can be found dwelling along the cliffs of the island, and are the Star Wars version of a puffin.  They fly, they build nests, and their little babies are called “porglets.”  Aww…how sweet!

 

            So, my friend Gary, who also writes for this blog asked in a text, “To Porg, or not to Porg?”  My answer?  An empathic: NOT TO PORG!

 

            Look, what is the deal with this cute, cuddly, let’s try and get some humor out a very child friendly creature, when they don’t enhance the story!  Well, I think it has to do with marketing.  Yes, marketing folks.

 

            These creatures can already be found accompanying other action figures, like Chewbacca, for example, in their plastic packaging.  They have a children’s book called, Chewie and the Porg.  The plush Porg doll has already been pushed into production, and the movie isn’t even out yet!

                                                    

 

            The Ewoks, I tolerated them, but blah! I don’t need a teddy ruxpin or care bear with a spear running around the forest fighting the Empire. I think they completely detracted from the story and pushed Return of the Jedi into a distant third when it came to the first three installments. Oh, here’s a little tid bit, my wife loved this Star Wars installment the most out of the three, because of the Ewoks. This comes from a woman who makes a gun sound that goes “Peew…peew.” (I hope you could hear that sound in your head) She is not the bastion of knowledge for the Star Wars movies, let’s just leave it at that.

                                                     

 

            Oh…Oh…then we have the Gungen.  I should just stop here, but I’m not going to. I might have been okay with the race of Gungen had George Lucas not created Jar Jar Binks.  “Me’sa thinks that this is just a cover up for poor writing and imagination, and a way to pander to little children to make money off me products.”  Now, I’m all for selling products-FOR A GOOD MOVIE, that doesn’t have a bunch of DUMB characters in it. 

                                                   

 

Needless to say, I HATED Jar Jar Binks (and still do), and the rest of the Gungen because of him.  I refuse to watch a movie with him in it even if it is on a Sunday afternoon and it would get me out of having to go to a Mary Kay party with my wife (I just made that up, my wife doesn’t go to Mary Kay parties-but if she did I’d rather go there than watch Jar Jar and I hate Mary Kay, so imaging how much I hate Jar Jar-Sorry to all you Mary kay lovers out there, it doesn’t make you a bad person, only liking Jar Jar does).  Watching those set of movies is tantamount to waterboarding, I mean it is pure torture!

 

            How about this? How about you tell a good story, develop characters, make wonderful action scenes, or just down right get someone to create something of true substance; not write in to the script this useless puffin creature (that would be the Porg) that has nothing to do with the actual story!

                                               

 

            When Star Wars came out I was five years old; and I mean Star Wars, not A New Hope-in my day we called the movie Star Wars people! (Gosh, I sounded like my grandpa right there) My friends and I bought everything Star Wars-from action figures, to bed sheets, to lunch pails, we couldn’t get enough!  And guess what?  There were no Ewoks, Gungens, or Porgs. We didn’t need them because we fell in love with the story, and the characters, and “The Force.”  We loved all the creatures in the bar scene. We loved Chewie the Wookie, we love Tauntauns, we loved the Wampa and Rancor monsters; because those creatures enhanced the story.  They weren’t thrown in there to make a buck by catering to young kids.  We didn’t need them to make it childlike and silly.  It was a good story that spoke to us, and has stayed with us for forty years (I’m forty-five by the way if you didn’t get the math-hey, maybe you like Jar Jar if you didn’t get the math-just kidding…but no, I’m not kidding.  DISCLAIMER: THIS IS JUST A JOKE FOLKS, DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A WAD-hey, was that sexist? I didn’t mean to be…or did I?  AGAIN, DISCLAIMER FOLKS, JUST A JOKE).  And now, just when I felt that the new creators were getting back to the old vibe with The Force Awakens and Rogue One, they seem to have taken a step backward with the Porg. 

 

            So, Gary, I can’t stomach the Porg, they are inedible.  NOT TO PORG!