Porg: The Inedible White Meat

 

By: John D. Pepe

 

            There’s a lot of buzz on the internet about this new Star Wars creature, the Porg.  This cuddly, lovable, big eyed puppet was “left on the work bench” and shown for a second on the behind the scenes reel at D23.

 

            These Porgs live on Ahch-To, the place where Luke and Rey are held up.  These cute little animals can be found dwelling along the cliffs of the island, and are the Star Wars version of a puffin.  They fly, they build nests, and their little babies are called “porglets.”  Aww…how sweet!

 

            So, my friend Gary, who also writes for this blog asked in a text, “To Porg, or not to Porg?”  My answer?  An empathic: NOT TO PORG!

 

            Look, what is the deal with this cute, cuddly, let’s try and get some humor out a very child friendly creature, when they don’t enhance the story!  Well, I think it has to do with marketing.  Yes, marketing folks.

 

            These creatures can already be found accompanying other action figures, like Chewbacca, for example, in their plastic packaging.  They have a children’s book called, Chewie and the Porg.  The plush Porg doll has already been pushed into production, and the movie isn’t even out yet!

                                                     Porg1

 

            The Ewoks, I tolerated them, but blah! I don’t need a teddy ruxpin or care bear with a spear running around the forest fighting the Empire. I think they completely detracted from the story and pushed Return of the Jedi into a distant third when it came to the first three installments. Oh, here’s a little tid bit, my wife loved this Star Wars installment the most out of the three, because of the Ewoks. This comes from a woman who makes a gun sound that goes “Peew…peew.” (I hope you could hear that sound in your head) She is not the bastion of knowledge for the Star Wars movies, let’s just leave it at that.

                                                      PorgEwok

 

            Oh…Oh…then we have the Gungen.  I should just stop here, but I’m not going to. I might have been okay with the race of Gungen had George Lucas not created Jar Jar Binks.  “Me’sa thinks that this is just a cover up for poor writing and imagination, and a way to pander to little children to make money off me products.”  Now, I’m all for selling products-FOR A GOOD MOVIE, that doesn’t have a bunch of DUMB characters in it. 

                                                   PorgJarJar

 

Needless to say, I HATED Jar Jar Binks (and still do), and the rest of the Gungen because of him.  I refuse to watch a movie with him in it even if it is on a Sunday afternoon and it would get me out of having to go to a Mary Kay party with my wife (I just made that up, my wife doesn’t go to Mary Kay parties-but if she did I’d rather go there than watch Jar Jar and I hate Mary Kay, so imaging how much I hate Jar Jar-Sorry to all you Mary kay lovers out there, it doesn’t make you a bad person, only liking Jar Jar does).  Watching those set of movies is tantamount to waterboarding, I mean it is pure torture!

 

            How about this? How about you tell a good story, develop characters, make wonderful action scenes, or just down right get someone to create something of true substance; not write in to the script this useless puffin creature (that would be the Porg) that has nothing to do with the actual story!

                                                Porg6

 

            When Star Wars came out I was five years old; and I mean Star Wars, not A New Hope-in my day we called the movie Star Wars people! (Gosh, I sounded like my grandpa right there) My friends and I bought everything Star Wars-from action figures, to bed sheets, to lunch pails, we couldn’t get enough!  And guess what?  There were no Ewoks, Gungens, or Porgs. We didn’t need them because we fell in love with the story, and the characters, and “The Force.”  We loved all the creatures in the bar scene. We loved Chewie the Wookie, we love Tauntauns, we loved the Wampa and Rancor monsters; because those creatures enhanced the story.  They weren’t thrown in there to make a buck by catering to young kids.  We didn’t need them to make it childlike and silly.  It was a good story that spoke to us, and has stayed with us for forty years (I’m forty-five by the way if you didn’t get the math-hey, maybe you like Jar Jar if you didn’t get the math-just kidding…but no, I’m not kidding.  DISCLAIMER: THIS IS JUST A JOKE FOLKS, DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A WAD-hey, was that sexist? I didn’t mean to be…or did I?  AGAIN, DISCLAIMER FOLKS, JUST A JOKE).  And now, just when I felt that the new creators were getting back to the old vibe with The Force Awakens and Rogue One, they seem to have taken a step backward with the Porg. 

 

            So, Gary, I can’t stomach the Porg, they are inedible.  NOT TO PORG!

 

 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Ron Avants says:

    I feel the same way. But the marketing remark makes sense. Evokes, Gungans, enough is enough. The majority of people have remarked about the types of characters they don’t like and now they are doing it again. Out of spite or the deal is they have to have a marketing creatures?. For the kids i guess.

    Like

  2. gpavants says:

    HI John,

    Wham! Bam! I hear you. I understand that people make movies for different reasons. Some are to tell a story and others are just to make a buck. I think the real stories give us better treasures that last longer than a ragged stuffed animal that wear out in time. I hope Jedi will carry it’s weight more than Disney wants to make money at it.

    Thanks,

    Gary

    On Fri, Sep 1, 2017 at 1:54 AM, God Among Geeks wrote:

    > jdpepe posted: ” By: John D. Pepe There’s a lot of buzz on > the internet about this new Star Wars creature, the Porg. This cuddly, > lovable, big eyed puppet was “left on the work bench” and shown for a > second on the behind the scenes reel at D23. ” >

    Like

  3. jdpepe says:

    I think my point is, and I’m not really angry at anyone, that they seem to always go back to this cutesy stuff – just make a good movie (Like Star Wars and Empire) and the movie will sell the products. By trying to create a creature that draws in kids so the kids will want the toy they end up taking something away from the story. We don’t need Porgs, or Ewoks, or Jar Jar, unless those creatures enhance the story, and are truly part of it. I don’t think that any of them enhanced the story (or will). The way you have to about it it is: Would the movie have survived, or been as great a success, or maybe a better success, if the creatures/characters weren’t there? I mean its just not Star Wars without Chewie. Its just not Empire without Yoda. But would it have still been Return of the Jedi without the Ewoks?-I think so; I think it might have even been better. Thanks for the comments guys.

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